Ramblings of a Mad Toddler Mom

So. . .

Some days are good days, some days are bad days. Most days are, “I wanna pull my hair out,” days.

I really don’t know what I am doing wrong at this point.  Like I try to discipline.  I try to re-direct, but they just don’t listen. I’m sitting over here being like at least 85% disrespected by my 3 year old. I hold on to that last 15% because they obviously show they love me. (dramatic hair flip, duh.)

It is so frustrating, because I can see/ recognize that my children are good hearted, sweet babies.  Especially compared to some kids we’ve come across in public. (no mom shaming some kids are just more trying than others) However, dealing with my kids level of “bad” drives me completely up the wall.

Why is patience so effing hard?

Legit, on the daily, I get punched, kicked, crawled on, spit at (usually in the face), hair pulled, and slapped in the face. Like, lets just be honest here being a stay at home mother is exhausting.  Hell, being a parent in general is. But, add the solitude or the loneliness and its like being in some sort of torture chamber where you have to not only be constantly oppressed by tiny overlords, but also feed and clean up after them. #Cindermomma 

Sometimes its just too much for me..


(side note: I love my children more than the air I breathe I just want to make this 100% clear, nothing could ever change how I feel about them. I am truly grateful to have been given two little miracles in life, sometimes I just struggle emotionally.)

I feel like I’m constantly drowning in and out of depression and over thinking every little detail.  Sometimes my brain tries to trick me into thinking my children (mainly my 3 year old) are deliberately being disobedient.  Hell maybe they are at some point during the day, but I am constantly having to remind myself that these are babies.


JEEZE Deborah Calm the FUCK down.

Lets be honest I NEVER talk about how much shit I talk to myself.  My go to shit talk line is “God Deb you’re such a shit mom.”  So when Im upset and I say everyone thinks im a bad mom, USUALLY, everyone means ME.

Of course there’s the occasional nay sayer that substantiates my inner self’s claims and gives air to the fire sending me on another downward spiral. Again. I constantly question if I should be back on my anti-depressants, but worry about the type of mom that it makes me.

You’re Damned if you Do, and quite frankly FUCKED if you don’t.

Everyday is a struggle and I’m over here like does every mother go through this? If they do why arn’t we all talking about it? Does that mean that were whining? Are we just supposed to bitch up like as a society and push through? (Maybe I’m not feminist enough to do this mom thing)  I know some people would say, “Well you chose this life. you wanted children,” Or my favorite, “If you knew how bad it was with one child why’d you have another?”

Like I knew how hard raising a fucking 3 year old would be?! There’s not a fucking book on the matter. 

(ok there probably is like some Dr. Spoke book or some Dr. Lipshitz medical journal on how to have the most perfect children but honestly a cover all isn’t going to work for every family and if it works for you thank fucking god I’m so glad someone doesn’t have to go through what other people do.)

My eldest daughter was a fucking angel. So when we became pregnant again we were like we go this no worries. Then when the baby was born the jealousy and terrible 2’s came along.  Half the time she was happy to be a big sister and the other half the time she was acting like the world was ending. God forbid I had to feed the newborn infant before I helped find her beloved toy hippo. Melt down ensue.

I became the mom most people talk shit about.

The mom who just gives in, because she cant take another screaming tantrum. I was the mom who had to choose her battles wisely, because I was breastfeeding and sleep deprived almost 98% of the time.  I just couldn’t handle  another melt down, because at some point when I had stuck to my guns all day and we were on  meltdown number 184 of the day mommy would be mentally not present. Aka unable to function.  Like a fucking scene out of Overboard the movie. Not that new one the old one with Goldie Hawn. That scene where shes going buh bu buh bu buh buh buh. Yeah. Hi. That’s me on a bad day.

Like I gave in so much when my second child was born, which is probably why the terrible 3’s is on the verge of killing me.  I cant continue to indulge her, so I’ve been telling her no and setting the boundaries.  But I swear to god if the word NO doesn’t kill her.

I am constantly struggling to try and make sense of all this mom stuff and some days are harder than others. Then I look at all the other mom’s and just wonder how the fuck they woke up and put their make up on or did their hair. Like fuck Cindy how did you have time to take a shower this week??


These are the Ramblings of a Mad Toddler Mom



My Anxiety Tells Me So

So, there I was in the middle of Target dragging my 2 year old to the register screaming while my 4 year old sang beep bop boo at the top of her lungs and I realized, i just don’t give a flying monkey anymore. No really. Judge away.

Ok, let me start at the beginning. . .

I walked into Target with a simple mission. Exchange toddler viking’s shoes and try to find manilla paper. [In case you live under a rock or haven’t brought a tiny crotch troll into the world yet its almost school season. ]

Seems simple right?

About three seconds into this nightmare my youngest, baby jack jack, starts trying to push all the buttons on the ATM while I’m talking to the nice customer service man. He looks at us with those judgy eyes thinking, “oh great not another mother who can’t control her kids.” At least that’s what my anxiety tells me. So I finally catch the little gremlin and attempt to walk towards the shoe section while my 2 year screams that she doesn’t want to hold my hand, “I’m a big girl!

Mentally roll my eyes and sigh.

I grab her hand anyways, cause you know baby snatchers lurk on every shoe aisle corner, and proceed to find the correct shoe size for toddler viking(my 4 year old, duh keep up.) Decide to walk through the baby section to the school supplies. Now this is where things get tricky and melt down 2 begins. Baby Jack jack now wants to play with toys instead of going to the farthest corner of the store where they keep anything of actual importance during holidays or school season so you have to walk past a bunch of crap you don’t need, but feel compelled to buy. Like that pineapple Jojo Siwa bow that was on sale for 3.98. I mean come on, what a steal!

She flails a few times goes limp on the way pretends she’s spaghetti and can’t walk. You know the usual. I try to shake off all of the building tension and repeat myself as calmly as possible. “Please stop, if you want to continue walking you will hold my hand or I will find a buggy to put you in.” Resist the urge to spank my tiny tyrant for fear of becoming the abusive crazy mother who can’t control my kids. All the while my anxiety takes over and makes me boil.

Literally boil from the inside out. It starts to feel hot and humid. That’s when I realize I’m sweating and finding it hard to see straight. I find myself mentally pep talking myself and telling my inner whining to bitch up and finish what you need to do and get out.

Fight of flight kicks in and I give up finding manilla paper after searching every aisle in that deep dark money pit corner. I begin making my way to the checkout lanes and settle on the self checkout because less staring and people to talk to. Baby Jack Jack decides walking is for normies and plummets her 32lb body to the shiny fluorescent lit linoleum floor. Instead of thinking clearly I just drag her the last few feet. Probably not what most people do, however I say fuck it and then plop her in front of my next endeavor. All the while toddler Viking is still in her happy annoying place of song and dance.

I fight the urge to beg and plead with my children to be good, consider bribing them with snacks, then decide not to reward bad behavior. When someone dressed in red approaches from beside me.

Did you find everything you needed today ma’am?”

I resist the urge to respond and smile with a nod. Breathe Deborah Breathe! My vision starts to clear a bit as I swipe my card. Seeing the “Card Approved Remove Card” sign releases small endorphins from retail therapy and I begin to feel slightly better.

I turn to see my children playing with magazines trying to enjoy the sight of them laughing together and playing. Because they won’t always be so happy and care free. Anxiety sinks in to alert me that I’m taking up too much space someone obviously needs this self check spot.

And we leave.

Sometimes I let my anxiety rule my day, maybe even my week. However I am always trying to remember to breathe and let my children be children. They will never be this small again. Its hard when you think everyone is judging you. When your brain lies to you and makes you think or assume everyone is starring. I may be one of few women who deal with this, but some how I know its okay. Always find someone you can talk to when you have moments like this. Pretending like nothing happened is never the way to deal with an episode. Remember you’re not alone in this and keep on trucking along. Your little one(s) will thank you.

The most important thing to me is to make sure I don’t lose it again around them. Its been a very long time since I had one of these experiences. What with my first child starting pre-k the stress is high! Just remember to breathe.

It’s 2018 (update)


It’s been AWHILE. Lol, so here’s an update. My life was turned upside down when or Second baby girl joined our lives. Not that it was an impossible situation, just I was not prepared for double the.. EVERYTHING.

Here’s what I’ve learned from being a mother of 2 for almost a year.

Yes, your attention for babe no. 1 is no longer at 100% & thats okay! As a matter of fact that’s better than okay. It’s teaching your first born that while you love them unconditionally, they are not in fact the center of the universe. Don’t get me wrong it’s a hard transition at first and we still struggle with this some days, because let’s face it she’s only 2 (lol). However, after babe no. 2 made her graceful appearance my first born has learned how to be (semi) independent. She is less dependent on Mommy and actually is quite helpful with her baby sister.

Aka she gets me diapers and helps pick up sister’s bottles etc.

The next thing I’ve learned is routine is great until you add another child to that routine. Meaning what used to be a perfect routine to get out the door on time now takes 2 maybe 3 times longer than it used to. And I’m not gonna lie, getting ready to go to the store was almost impossible the first couple months. I’d get everything ready both girls dressed and fed (which was a 30-45 minute process due to breastfeeding) all to have to undress my 2 year old and change her diaper. When you thing you’re ready to leave and get loaded up with the diaper bag and you’ve got the baby in her sling (I use the infantino baby carrier) all to realize your 2 year old has taken her shoes off yet again and then child no. 2 takes a massive poo. -sigh- it gets exhausting.

Another point to routine, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT let your routines ruin your day/life. I get it routines can be nice. Eat 7am, play 8-10am, sleep 10-12pm etc.. if you’re running behind or if you just don’t get your baby to sleep exactly at a certain time, life will go on. Routines can be nice but they also cause an extreme amount of anxiety and stress; personally I find it rather exhausting.

Instead use a schedule as a general pattern that can change via your life situation. Learn to adapt to your surroundings and your child will too! Bed times aren’t set in stone! So don’t stress if your 6 month old isn’t sleeping exactly at 7pm every night. I aim to get my little Evie asleep within a 2 hour gap of our “bedtime” because there’s so many factors that go into getting her down. If she’s too wound up from the day I’m not going to stress that she just wants to roll around in the bed with me until she gets sleepy.

It’s okay if your child isn’t potty trained at 2 because your brain doesn’t have the capacity to add “just one more thing” to your day. Especially if she’s having a hard time wanting to potty. My two year old is, let me tell you, incredibly bull headed. She hates, HATES, the potty. Big small real fake she hates it. So I’m not going to stress over the fact that she’s not potty trained yet because some days I remember to potty train all day and then the next day we’re barely home so we can’t and then we break from training for a week 😂. Yes, I’m that mom.

Also, don’t worry about my kid still having a paci/binki/nubnub/etc. I think she is doing really well only using her paci at night and that’s a BIG STEP for her. We keep paci close by for scary situations and I don’t feel guilty for that. So you shouldn’t either if you’re like us! At the same time if you’re not, don’t shame me into thinking I’m stunting my chid. I’m doing what I think is best for her/them. Which leads me to my next point.

.Mom Shaming.<<<<<<<<<
't ever, EVER, should you shame another mother for just doing her best. It’s not okay to judge and spit your nonsense and unwelcome bull shiz at us. We have a hard enough time convincing ourselves that we are not bad moms. Because, if you’re anything like me you struggle with your self worth. You do your damnedest to bend over backwards while walking on glass and through fire to make sure your children are happy and healthy. All to just put yourself down for falling short of the goals you have set for yourself.

So I, we, don’t need snarky know it alls telling us our children should be potty trained before 2 or shouldn’t have pacis anymore. Or that, for the love of god, my child needs a effing haircut. So before you go around spewing hateful word vomit, do yourself (and me/us) a favor. Think, evaluate, & remember you don’t know the battle that parent is fighting on the daily so just keep it to yourself.

Stepping off soap box now…<<<<<<

Any who life’s been a little crazy lately, but A LOT of fun since Miss Evelyn joined our family. Freyah loves her little sister, even if she doesn’t love sharing her toys with her 😂. It’s been a pretty amazing journey so far and I honestly can’t believe how far we’ve come in just a short time.

Thanks for reading and as always stay true to yourself. ✌🏻

A Letter to my Mom.

I remember the sound of splashing water and laughter echoing across the public pool.  The sound of mothers calling after their children not to run and the exclamations from children, “Mom, look at me! Look at me! Count how long I can hold my breath!”  I remember you would watch the whole time, I never had to doubt if you were actually counting my seconds under water.  You would even take the shirt off your own back if it meant I wouldn’t get sunburnt.

I remember driving with the windows down in your Ford Taurus on our way to our favorite after pool snack. Begging for chili cheese fries and ice cream. You’d get us both (usually) just because it made us smile. Summer was my favorite time of the year because just us three would do whatever we wanted. No school no work just the Three Musketeers.

I remember the smell of chlorine and eating chili cheese fries sitting on towels in front of the T.V. waiting on you to get out of the shower.  My brother and I eating slowly and in a trance with whatever was on the television at the time.  Trying to not be the first person done eating because whoever was had to take a shower first.  (For some reason it was a competition between the two of us to see who could win the last shower. Although at some point he became smart and would shower first so that I would be left with cold water.)

I remember cuddling up watching T.V. on your bed, back when we all lived in that one room. All three of us would sit there and basically pass out from exhaustion and wait until Dad came home.

You called us the “Three Musketeers.”

You still do.

Nostalgia beckons me to make the same memories with my daughters as you did with my brother and I.  I could only hope to be half the mother you were and still are.  Not only do you constantly give support to me you’re always there for my children and my husband.  You’ve been the mom even my friends can call their own, because you love with no end.

On this mothers day I celebrate because I remember how amazing of a mom you were and still are to us.  I remember crying into your arms over breakups and laughing with you over how stupid something was. I remember you scraping every last penny you had together for christmas or so that my brother and I would never go without.  I remember after school nachos from the gas station when we were in Jr. High. I remember you giving us your last dollars to play games at the arcade.

I remember.

And now, with all that I remember, I wish that my girls will remember how hard I worked to make them happy the way you did for us.  To make sure they are fulfilled in life even at a young age like you always did and still do.  I want to support their every endeavor & teach them to be good people.

But most of all for this Mothers Day what I want to be more like YOU.

Happy Mothers Day Momma.

and then there were Four.

Well, as many of you know Baby Evelyn has graced us with her presence.  She is a tiny, but fierce being with such an attitude for a two week old.

As the weeks neared to my due date, my midwife was growing concerned with Evelyn’s growth, or the abundance of growth I should say.  Evie was already weighing over 8lbs and with a history of shoulder dystocia from my previous birth, my midwife wanted to induce.  However, induction was not a possibility.  My body was showing no signs of being ready for labor.  Two weeks from my due date and I was at 30% effaced and not dilated AT ALL. So the only plan was to wait. At my last appointment, I had made some improvements and we scheduled an induction for that next Wednesday.

However, fate had another plan.

9 AM February 19, 2017 (Due Date): Woke up to my oldest daughter running into my room happy as a clam. We laughed and played a bit, watched some tv and we started to get dressed.

10 AM cramping started, but they stayed mostly in the front so I thought they were Braxton hicks contractions or gas.  I timed them anyways just to see if they were timeable and they came every 15- 20 minutes. About 10:45 I used the restroom where some unmentionables happened (this is key and when I knew labor had started!) After that contractions were about every 5 minutes but not too painful. I talked to my husband who looked at me like I was insane for not telling him sooner and we called the midwife.

My midwife was glad that I had decided to call because she had been out in the garden and needed to get cleaned up just in case contractions stayed consistent.  She told me to time it some more, get my things together, and to call her back in about an hour if we decided to go into the hospital to at least get checked. With all of this going on I hadn’t eaten anything and we had lost the “clicker” to my car (the “clicker” unarms the car and lets me start it) so we transferred the car seat out of my car and into my husbands and I packed all the last minute things.  We called the midwife and told her we were going to head that way around 1pm. All the while my 1 1/2 year old is running around holding on to my leg begging me not to leave.

We stopped to get food at Sonic (because I was STARVING)  I knew once I got to the hospital that they wouldn’t give me any food.

Around then I stopped keeping time and started stuffing my face and begging my husband not to drive like a maniac, haha. We made it to the hospital and got checked in. My midwife checked me and I was well on my way at 3cm and 100% effaced. We were doing this.

Around 7cm pain levels were at about an 8 and we decided to break my waters because contractions were still only 5 minutes apart and I was getting exhausted.  That’s when shit got real.  Literally. There was meconium in my waters, which for those of you who have never had a baby means that little Evie had pooped inside me due to stress of labor.  My cool went out the window and I began to panic.  Regaining my ability to handle the pain of labor was an uphill battle from that moment.  I tried everything I could to focus on getting her out, but with every contraction another part of my body began to light on fire with pain.  I tried all positions possible and I’m almost 100% positive that I almost threw my husbands back out everytime had I had a contraction while standing, poor man. At some point I ended up on my back for the end of labor and everytime anyone would touch my legs it felt like fire.

Finally at 7:54 pm Evelyn Aria was born. 8lbs 9oz 20.5 inches long.

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The Good, Bad, and Ugly Truth about Pregnancy


They very word can mean so much to some and so little to others.

To some Pregnancy is a first time roller coaster of what the hell is going on with my body.  To others Pregnancy is a joyous event where your closest friend is having the first of her litter and will give you a glimpse of what motherhood is like (aka your future). 

However, to most women who are now on round two or three of this journey, it means that you have to sit back and try to enjoy a long 9 months of many, MANY uncomfortable changes in your body. Don’t get me wrong there are some very enjoyable moments along the way. Like feeling the baby move or kick, but those can also be very uncomfortable the farther along you get.

Probably the most irritating aliment that has occurred thus far in this pregnancy has been the itching.  Some of you already know I have anxiety and part of my anxiety is, when at its worst, hives which of course itch.  So itching has always been an overwhelming uncontrollable factor of my anxiety when it flares up. I think the worst part about pregnancy itching is that it occurs randomly on any part of my body and I have no explanation.  Itching my body used to be an indication that I was worrying about an underlying problem.  Now its just a part of normal every day life, well at least until the baby is born.  What drives me insane is that I have to itch I can’t ignore it. I’ve tried everything to alleviate it, alas nothing works. For me that is, but here’s some facts about the itch. 

  • The Itch It can occur in almost 25% of women during pregnancy. Most common itching will occur on your breasts or stomach due to stretching skin or changing hormones. Ways to help itching is to cut back on warm baths, perfumes and switch to fragrance free or free and clear detergent. As these things can be a contributing factor to your body’s “reaction.” Moisturize your skin as often as possible and wear loose cotton clothing to stay cool during warm months.

Stretch marks is a common problem for everyone, I think, during pregnancy.  The problem is that they happen EVERYWHERE even places you don’t think could get stretch marks lol. So the normal place that everyone automatically tries to prevent from getting stretch marks is the tummy, but you need to be protecting everything!! From your breasts to your buttocks.  Even your knees! You will gain weight in the strangest places! The best thing I’ve found that helps with not only making sure that your stretch marks don’t get worse between baby one and baby two, but it also helps reverse the stretch marks after the baby is born is Belly Oil by Zoe Organics.  I found it at Target, its amazing.  Belly Oil is completely organic and its one of the few organic oils out there that doesn’t have coconut oil in it, nor does it have any other nut oils in it. Which for my family is very important seeing as my husband is highly allergic to nuts (including scent’s of nuts because of his asthma) and until my daughter turns two we will be treating her as if she has the allergies as well because we cannot do allergy testing until then.  SO, I use it every night after my shower on my tummy, my breasts, my love handles that have come back with a vengeance this pregnancy and even on my butt. Because when you gain weight out of nowhere it just grabs ahold of whatever it can lol! I think the worst part is when the itch combines with the stretch and you don’t realize your actually helping the stretch marks by itching them. Heres the facts.

  • The Stretch Stretch marks usually appear as pink, red or purple lines on your tummy, bottom, thighs and breasts.  Pregnancy hormones also soften the fibres in your skin, making stretch marks more likely. Most pregnant women get stretch marks.  Stretch marks are permanent. In the months following your baby’s birth, they will probably become paler than they were while you were pregnant. How they look in the longer term will depend on your skin colour, but they will become less noticeable.

I’m sure that most of you, who have had babies or are now pregnant have noticed that your breast will grow/ swell during pregnancy. Not only do your breasts grow but so will your nipples! This was something I didn’t prepare myself for with my first pregnancy. I remember looking at my breasts one day to see how huge they had gotten and to top it off the hormones had darkened my nipples as well.  I felt like I was looking at a strangers body. However it was all mine.  This time around I thought I knew what to expect.. until my breasts grew beyond a couple of cups.  I went from a D to a G. That’s six, SIX, cup sizes. Woah. I was not expecting that and with the new growth came new stretch marks as well. Not only did they grow but they were also very sore for about three weeks after the random growth.  My breasts grew exponentially in the 2nd trimester. Luckily I went to the Motherhood store and got new bras to help the situation haha. Heres the facts.

  • The Boobs Your breasts are gearing up to feed baby as soon as you become pregnant, that means growth as well as feeling things you’ve never felt before like tingling in your nipples. A lot of things change during this time of your pregnancy.  The skin around your nipples will appear darker and may have tiny bumps which is your body’s way of directing your baby towards your nipple for their first feed. By the time your baby is born the glandular tissue in the breasts may have doubled in size which can happen any time between mid-pregnancy to late or even after the baby is born.

Pelvic Pain other wise known as PGP has got to be the killer this go around.  Every time I turn over in bed there is a loud painful pop in my pelvis.  It feels like, for a lack of better words, I’ve been kicked in the balls.  Or at least I think thats how it would feel like.  Ive talked to my midwife about it and she’s referred me to a chiropractor to try and alleviate the pain.  She thinks that the baby may have pushed something out of alignment.  We will see, I  have an appointment soon assuming that they accept my insurance. 

  • The Pelvic Pain Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) during pregnancy swelling and pain can make the cartilage and pelvic in your pubis region less stable.  Your body produces a hormone called relaxin. Relaxin softens your ligaments, the tough tissues that connect your joints. This means that your pelvis can be more mobile during pregnancy to help you pass the baby during delivery. PGP will clear up within a few weeks or a month after delivery. (GOOD NEWS YAY!)

The best part is feeling the baby move the whole time, even when it gives your discomfort its a beautiful reminder that your little love is still in there and doing well.  I love feeling my baby hiccup and kick, but I hate that over the last week the baby has found my ribs! It’s so hard to breathe when there’s a foot in your ribs lol.  It’s like a double-edged sword because you love that your little one is growing but hate that it’s causing you pain.  Is it normal?

  • The Baby Moved!!  The first time you experience your baby move it can be exciting and emotional. It’s common to feel your baby move around 18-20 weeks but it is possible to feel movement or “butterflies” before this.  (I experienced butterflies at 13 weeks) From 7-8 weeks of pregnancy the baby will be stirring around in there, at 9 weeks the baby will be hiccuping and moving its tiny arms and legs.  By 10 weeks the baby can move its head and stretch its hands to its face and by 12 weeks baby is yawning and stretching!  Gradually your baby will become strong enough for you to feel him or her and its an amazing experience. At first it can feel like bubbles popping, but before one you’ll feel the baby pushing and squirming even turning over.  You’re kiddo won’t always be a little ninja in there, but don’t worry as long as you feel them move at least 10 separate times in two hours your little tyke is just fine.  If you get further along in your pregnancy and start to worry that your little one isn’t active enough talk to your midwife or doctor.  They will help reassure you of your worry.  Drinking cold water or eating spicy food and laying on your side can help the baby get to moving around if you’re particularly worried but don’t want to contact your doctor.

Although these are not all the good, bad, and ugliest that we have during pregnancy these are the key points that felt necessary to discuss.  If there are any questions anyone has please feel free to comment below.  Just remember I am not a doctor or midwife, but I have done this a couple of times now.  If I can help I will, if I can’t I’ll try to help find you someone who can!  

20 Weeks and Counting!

Yesterday marked a big day in my 2nd pregnancy. The Half way mark of getting this bun in the oven outta here! Haha.

According to the various baby sites that I scour on the weekly, my baby should be the size of a small banana or the size of a small artichoke. Weighing around 10-10 1/2 ounces the baby should have eye brows and some hair on its head.  Apparently it can swallow now and has been producing meconium which is the first poop it will ever have.

Now if my doctors office can remove its head from its buttox I will find out the sex of the baby in the next two weeks.  Although I was already supposed to have an anatomy scan but thats neither here nor there, I’m just a tad salty if you can’t tell.  Most of the gender prediction things I’ve seen online based off of old wives tales says that I’m having another girl, however my pregnancy is so different than last time I’m still saying that its a boy.  Luckily we’ve already picked out names for the very occasion that we have either or, but you won’t be hearing those until the gender reveal. (hehe)

So far I’ve been sick non stop unless I’m taking my anti nausea medication and heart burn is trying to kill me.  Heat exhaustion this time around is literally going to be the death of me, thank god I’m having this kid in the winter because with my hypothyroidism causing my body to be very sensitive to heat being pregnant on top of it is making it much worse and I can’t even go enjoy a simple fair without having to sit down every few minutes. Which if anyone has ever been to a fair is rather hard to do since theres usually NO WHERE to sit. (rant aside Freyah had a delightful time at Fair on the Square this year even though mommy had to sit most of it out)

So back to the baby, Im already having strange dreams that either place me in a movie that doesn’t even exist yet or where I’m walking around questioning if I’ve had another child already that everyone is keeping a secret from me because I “lost” it.. idk but these pregnancy dreams are seriously freaky. Stay tuned for more revealing dreams in my third trimester because thats when it gets scary.

One thing I’ve been researching particularly a lot lately is pumping or hand expressing milk before the baby is born.  We all know (well most of us) that nipple stimulation is a big NO NO before you’re even close to 38-40 weeks but a lot of moms have written posts or video blogs about how expressing colostrum before giving birth helped prepare their bodies for a higher demand after the baby was born.  I find this really interesting because this was something I had a very hard time with when my first was born.  All normal stuff aside doctors will tell you that as long as your thyroid is acting normal you shouldn’t have any adverse affects with breastfeeding but let me tell you they’re all crazy. Unless you’re seeing an Endocrinologist (which i am now phew) regular doctors know nothing about how your thyroid affects your breast milk.

Back to the topic at hand here. Im thinking about trying to, at some point in this pregnancy, start to express on a weekly basis to up my milk supply before the baby is born.  Its really important to me that we make it past the 3 month goal of breastfeeding and get to at least  6 months.  Even if at that point I’m just pumping milk and bottle feeding it.  Its very important to me that I achieve this goal. Now in the end I understand that if I don’t make it to this goal that FED is BEST so don’t worry my child won’t be starving even if every drop of formula is killing me on the inside.

My dad told me a few weeks ago that I am too hard on myself. That I set impossible goals to achieve and stress myself out beyond belief to achieve them. Well he’s right about one thing.  I am hard on my self however the goals  I set are nothing but achievable.  For a normal person that is.. and even if i don’t succeed in hitting my goals i know after getting mad at myself that I did my best and got as far as I could before throwing in the towel.

Thats important to me that I try my best no matter what,  I set those goals up for myself as soon as I became a mom. Perfection was the goal and I never quite made it to that but i know that I am a better mom for trying to be perfect.   I never want my child to think that I don’t love them or that I just didn’t even try and they never will because I know that I try and so do they.

Any who I’ll be posting an update when we finally know the gender! Wish us luck that its human haha ❤


Ps Im almost a licensed cosmetologist! WOOOT!

Lewis Party of 4.. WHAT?!?!

Entertaining the idea that I wouldn’t actually be pregnant I satisfied the worry by taking a test anyways.  I was only two maybe three days late? Nah, this wouldn’t be it. We had been safe… for the most part. I chuckled to myself at the idea of being pregnant again even though my daughter had only just turned 1 years old two weeks ago.

Then our lives changed again. Two lines slowly and faintly appeared right before the 3 minute mark and by the 5 minute mark there was no denying that I was indeed pregnant with jelly bean #2. My mind went from holy craps to oh my god’s. I texted a bestie asking if she saw that I saw before even telling my husband. I said, “Hey babe? were… pregnant.” Jeff reply? “Huh, Cool.” Still to this day I roll my eyes to that statement.

After the stress of planning Freyah’s birthday party, I had experienced light headed or faint feelings, a rise in temperature/over heating, and issues eating anything.  I just assumed it was my thyroid and decided to find an Endocrinologist.  Which is how I found out that I had hashimotos disease. Its an auto-immune disease where your body literally kills your thyroid. Shortly after that I took the pregnancy test that would tell me all of my symptoms were in fact due to pregnancy.

We decided to keep the pregnancy a secret, minus a few close friends and my parents.  Mostly because of issues that I had from my first pregnancy that indeed reared its head again this pregnancy with bleeding or spotting and the in ability to eat almost anything.  My thyroid issue was out of control and gave our child only a 50% chance of surviving the 1st trimester.  I was scared that if my thyroid wasn’t watched closely that I would lose our little bean.

Fast Forward to today.

Luckily my Ob-Gyn assured me that I had nothing to worry about.  The heart rate is in the 170’s and growth rate is on time.  He feels there is no reason not to rejoice or enjoy this pregnancy like I did the last. So as I enter my second trimester I find it fitting to take announcement photos and share with the world … or Facebook rather.. that were expecting another addition to the family and we honestly couldn’t be happier.  Yeah maybe were not where we want to be.  Were a family on a budget, a severe budget.  Were a family who still lives with my parents, but every day we get closer to being on our feet and in our own home. If it weren’t for my family helping us every step of the way my little family would be living in our cars parked in some parking lot just barely getting by.  I thank god every day that we have a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. Adding one more of course is going to be an interesting challenge but we will make do. Just like we always have.

With school coming close to ending Im one step further to getting a job that can help us make bills or take that family vacation that we’ve always wanted.  So in February we will have a new little one. A cutie pa-tootie if you will. And were thrilled! So without further ado here are some photos taken by one of my all-time favorite girls Alicia you can see her page here.

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P.s. lately I’ve become INSANELY OBSESSED with Lu La Roe.  Its a clothing line thats 100% unique the dress I’m wearing in the photoshoot is a Nichole Dress. If anyones interested in even just looking at the designs I’m going to link my distributor here.

Mermaid Party fit for a Princess

So seeing as how May was a VERY busy month for us I decided better late than never and post about our Mermaid Theme Birthday Party.  I’m one of those people who always thinks that DIY is the best way to go about parties.  Even if it stresses me out to complete exhaustion and I don’t even get to enjoy the party I know that my daughter will have photos to remind her that her first birthday was bitchin’.  So I went all out found tutorials or went on pinterest and looked at ideas and this is what I ended up with.  Enjoy the photos I’ll post recipes and links as needed underneath the photos.

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Right away theres was a panic because every mothers worst party nightmare comes true as soon as you get to the venue that you’ve reserved and paid for and theres another party already there cutting it close to the wire.  Because then you have to be the bitch, the rude one, the one who’s like look dude I paid for this you need to leave, we have to set up. So after that was that we went over to the play yard and swing while party guests began showing up and the other party slowly moved out of the way.

Being a Big family we set up the party in about an hour and it was all fun just helping out and getting things done.


Lime Sherbert Punch: Recipe I actually added cherry 7 up instead of ginger ale to give it color and flavor and then half a gallon of Berry Blue Hawaiian Punch to make it look “Sea Worthy”.

Jello Cups were Blueberry Flavor with Swedish Fish and marshmallows. Nothing too fancy.

I made “Jelly Fish” for the children incase they didn’t want pin wheels which was literally jelly sandwiches cut into fish with a cookie cutter.

Pinwheels: Recipe This is the exact recipe here and Oh man they were a hot commodity and we still had a whole platter to take home! It was a very welcomed left over ❤ yum.

Mermaid Rice Crispy’s: Made according to the package and then set in a rectangle container where i let them set.  After done I cut them into rectangles and then melted chocolate melts and dipped them in to create that V for a mermaids tail.  Left over melts were used in a shell chocolate mold to create a “shell bra”.

Cake Pops: Pinterest Link Here I followed this tutorial to the T. It turned out amazing. NOTE If you can’t find styrofoam to put the cake pops on to dry try buying a cheap cake pop stand. They cost about 5$ and can be reused at the party :D.

Most party supplies were bought from Target or from the local Card and Party Factory.

Over all It was a great first birthday .. that got rained out about 45 minutes after we set up! Haha thats okay it made for great memories and lots of fun with family and friends.  Credit of photos go to one of my bestie’s Alicia Rosiu if your in the Houston/Huntsville/Bryan/College Station areas she’s freaking amazing.  Her Facebook page is The Art of Observation Photography.

Any who thats all I’ve got for now, again sorry for the late post.

Fire Displaces Family

As I peer down the road at midnight my vision captures an organized chaos.  Firetrucks line the road, neighbors throwing valuables in their cars and their families to evacuate the fiery scene that laid before our eyes.

A house approximately half a block away (across the street) had caught fire.   I ran inside to wake my husband and start to gather important things for our daughter in case we were asked to leave. Then change out of my night clothes into something descent and grab the baby monitor to go outside and see if there was anything I could do. Of course being a regular civilian theres not much I can do but be there and watch the whole thing happen.

The fire was rapidly spreading through the house and embers were flying in the sky where the wind was shifting them across the street.  Dangerously landing on the roofs and tree tops two houses down from my own.  Suddenly the roof collapsed and a burst of fire rang up into the sky, catching the trees that hung so closely to the home.  Heat reared towards my body as I started to fear that there were children who could be hurt.  Many families lived near by in an apartment complex and I hoped that everyone exited safely.  Soon after that people from the street over came rushing up to us asking if anyone was still in there.  We replied with “I don’t know’s and I hope not’s.”  They ran off down the road panicking for  their loved ones.  One man came around the corner of the road and ran towards the line of fire trucks hands on his head crying, “Thats my house! Thats my house!”

While the fire fighters fought what seemed like forever to get the flames down there was left a smoldering ember of what used to be a home to a long time Huntsville family who have now lost everything.  My thoughts and prayers are with those who were involved and I pray with all of my might that no one was hurt.  At this time it is unconfirmed that there were any casualties.

Its strange how you can be lying in bed ready to end your night all to hear popping and see flashing lights in the windows.  When you go to check whats going on, theres peoples lives changing right before your eyes.  Makes you realize that your whole life can change in an instant. Count your blessings tonight. I know I will.

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*edit* For those wondering the fire was located off Avenue J behind the middle school. I had originally thought the fire was at the apartment complex that was right next to the house that actually was on fire. Sorry for the wrong information. Still no news has covered this story and I find it quite odd that a fire that which forced an entire block out of their homes has no cover worthy points with even the local news paper.  If this had happened in a wealthy neighborhood it would have been on KHOU. Im really irritated about this. If I see anything news wise I will update the story and give more facts based upon what has happened. Otherwise I’m just a concerned neighbor looking for answers.