As I looked at my reflection I felt broken and disembodied. Like there was a force trying relentlessly to drag me from within myself. Disoriented I turned on the water and started rubbing the blood from my hands. It was only until I gained full consciousness did I realize that I had tears streaming down my face and repeatedly said, “no.. No… NO!” The other women in the restroom looked at the scene mortified but stood back and waited in line patiently for the sink or toilets trying to keep themselves otherwise occupied in reply to my unhinged appearance. I thought back to the moment that I realized that I was holding a child within me, excited and inexplicably startled by the unplanned event in my life.
Returning to reality I was now standing in front of my drawing professor trying to spit out that I had to leave while being discreet, but every girl in the class had already seen my outburst in the restroom. He told me to leave, of course, and to not worry about anything until I was better which was more than I thought I would ever get from a professor. However, I was losing it.. her.. him.. the baby. I rushed to put my stuff together and to call my mother to pick me up from campus. Then I called the doctor. Everything seemed to blur together. Almost like I was living someone else’s life.
Instead of receiving the comforting words of a doctor, the nurse answered. She told me to go home, put my feet up and drink some water. That there was nothing I could do to stop the inevitable if it were to happen. At 10 weeks I was losing the most precious gift that I had ever been bestowed in my life, at least thats how it felt. That night my mother and my boyfriend didn’t leave my side. I cried out to God, pleading him to give me a chance to prove that we were worthy of being parents. My mother held me and brushed the hair off of my face and wiped the sticky tears from my eyes. She was at a loss as to what to say or do. We waited for what seemed a lifetime for the sun to rise. As the day became new the bleeding subsided and we had made it through the worst night of my life still whole and intact was our little miracle child.
This scare was only two weeks after our first sonogram and I wasn’t due to go back to the doctor until week 17. It scared the hell out of my husband and I, but we are all the more thankful for our beautiful daughter. After receiving a full work up the doctor gave us the chance to see our beautiful baby one more time to check the growth and heart beat. Thats when we decided that the worst part was over and to announce our pregnancy publicly.