So. . .
Some days are good days,
some days are bad days. Most days are, “I wanna pull my hair out,” days.
I really don’t know what I am doing wrong at this point. Like I try to discipline. I try to re-direct, but they just don’t listen. I’m sitting over here being like at least 85% disrespected by my 3 year old. I hold on to that last 15% because they obviously show they love me.
(dramatic hair flip, duh.)
It is so frustrating, because I can see/ recognize that my children are good hearted, sweet babies. Especially compared to some kids we’ve come across in public. (no mom shaming some kids are just more trying than others) However, dealing with my kids level of “bad” drives me completely up the wall.
Why is patience so effing hard?
Legit, on the daily, I get punched, kicked, crawled on, spit at (usually in the face), hair pulled, and slapped in the face. Like, lets just be honest here being a stay at home mother is exhausting. Hell, being a parent in general is. But, add the solitude or the loneliness and its like being in some sort of torture chamber where you have to not only be constantly oppressed by tiny overlords, but also feed and clean up after them.
Sometimes its just too much for me..
I LOVE MY CHILDREN.
(side note: I love my children more than the air I breathe I just want to make this 100% clear, nothing could ever change how I feel about them. I am truly grateful to have been given two little miracles in life, sometimes I just struggle emotionally.)
I feel like I’m constantly
drowning in and out of depression and over thinking every little detail. Sometimes my brain tries to trick me into thinking my children (mainly my 3 year old) are deliberately being disobedient. Hell maybe they are at some point during the day, but I am constantly having to remind myself that these are babies.
JEEZE Deborah Calm the FUCK down.
Lets be honest I NEVER talk about how much shit I talk to myself. My go to shit talk line is “God Deb you’re such a shit mom.” So when Im upset and I say everyone thinks im a bad mom, USUALLY, everyone means ME.
Of course there’s the occasional nay sayer that substantiates my inner self’s claims and gives air to the fire sending me on another downward spiral. Again. I constantly question if I should be back on my anti-depressants, but worry about the type of mom that it makes me.
You’re Damned if you Do, and quite frankly FUCKED if you don’t.
Everyday is a struggle and I’m over here like does every mother go through this? If they do why arn’t we all talking about it? Does that mean that were whining? Are we just supposed to bitch up like as a society and push through? (Maybe I’m not feminist enough to do this mom thing) I know some people would say, “Well you chose this life. you wanted children,” Or my favorite, “If you knew how bad it was with one child why’d you have another?”
Like I knew how hard raising a fucking 3 year old would be?! There’s not a fucking book on the matter.
(ok there probably is like some Dr. Spoke book or some Dr. Lipshitz medical journal on how to have the most perfect children but honestly a cover all isn’t going to work for every family and if it works for you thank fucking god I’m so glad someone doesn’t have to go through what other people do.)
My eldest daughter was a fucking angel. So when we became pregnant again we were like we go this no worries. Then when the baby was born the jealousy and terrible 2’s came along. Half the time she was happy to be a big sister and the other half the time she was acting like the world was ending. God forbid I had to feed the newborn infant before I helped find her beloved toy hippo. Melt down ensue.
I became the mom most people talk shit about.
The mom who just gives in, because she cant take another screaming tantrum. I was the mom who had to choose her battles wisely, because I was breastfeeding and sleep deprived almost 98% of the time. I just couldn’t handle another melt down, because at some point when I had stuck to my guns all day and we were on meltdown number 184 of the day mommy would be mentally not present. Aka unable to function. Like a fucking scene out of Overboard the movie. Not that new one the old one with Goldie Hawn. That scene where shes going buh bu buh bu buh buh buh. Yeah. Hi. That’s me on a bad day.
Like I gave in so much when my second child was born, which is probably why the terrible 3’s is on the verge of killing me. I cant continue to indulge her, so I’ve been telling her no and setting the boundaries. But I swear to god if the word NO doesn’t kill her.
I am constantly struggling to try and make sense of all this mom stuff and some days are harder than others. Then I look at all the other mom’s and just wonder how the fuck they woke up and put their make up on or did their hair. Like fuck Cindy how did you have time to take a shower this week??
These are the Ramblings of a Mad Toddler Mom