May 6, 2015 (Induction Day)

As I rolled over for the millionth time too look at my phone and see, again, that it was not yet 5 AM I sighed and rolled over.  I wasn’t due at the hospital until 6 AM and it was barely 2:30.  The wait was nearly over and I could barely rest up for the big day that was quickly approaching. Even though I was being impatient I was more worried about complications than anything. No matter how I felt sleep ultimately found me and the alarm that went off just three hours later was an unwelcome sound.

We got dressed and woke my mother, she and my father would be joining us later that morning.  Grabbed pillows and laptops then walked out the house.  The last time ever that it would be just he and I. When we return to this door it will be with baby in tow. I was grateful that I had already packed the trunk of the car full of our things. I practically took the whole house!

We arrived at the Hospital after the short drive to the hospital, small talk and smiles the whole way. Not fully grasping the incredulous adventure that was about to begin.  Checked in through the ER and made our way to the maternity ward where they showed us our “suite”.  The room was dark  (partly due to the fact that the sun had still not risen) and quiet.  Soon we would be meeting our little girl.

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So around 7:00 AM I got my IV and started my induction with a round of pitocin.  Labor took off quickly but not as fast as they had hoped since I was sitting at 3cm before we even started.  With each contraction growing stronger around noon they decided to break my water to get things moving.   They used an Internal monitor because jelly bean kept moving away from the external monitor and having a nurse come in every 10 minutes to find the heart beat again was getting annoying.

Before the internal monitor was put in I was confined to my bed dealing with labor by turning right and left not getting to really walk around.  The hospital told me that I had to be monitored to make sure the baby was not having any problems.  Thinking back after I got the internal monitor I could have gotten up to walk around, but at that point I was getting contractions every 5-10 minutes and couldn’t really think straight. The pain that I remember was excruciating like someone was breaking my back bones repeatedly. I don’t day this to frighten anyone but it freaking sucked. I had back labor like nobody’s business.

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At one point my uncle called my fathers phone (he was just chilling in the room with us) and asked what that sound was in the background, my father replied thats Debbie she’s in labor.

Hours Later..

I was told many a time that there was a more civilized way to give birth, but I held on as long as I could. Wave after wave until it was time then it happened after pushing as hard as I could for about an hour she was here. I was crying, she was crying, and Jeff cut the cord.

There she was this perfect little angel, ten fingers, ten toes. Hair as black as the night and the most beautiful complexion.

 

Freyah Lynn was born at 6:32 pm weighing 8lbs 7oz and 20 inches long.

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And thats how our adventure began.

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Eviction Notice (April 26th, 2015)

As the months passed my belly (and baby) grew to sizes I never possibly could have imagined.  I tried everything in my power to get this baby out just a little early but she was not budging.  Day after day, weeks after weeks.

Nothing.

Finally my due date came and went and my doctor talked to me about my options.

There I was a first time mom and being given the talk about induction.  Being the Type A person that I am this entire pregnancy (and our future) had been planned down the T.  From how I was going to give birth to the type of diapers we should be using.  I even calculated the last details of how to make home made baby food, or breastfeed in public.  I read every journal or book on what to expect when you go into labor.  However, that was the last thing my body would do is go in to labor on its own.

This was NOT my plan.  I do not like being out of control of my body and here I was clearly NOT in control.

Its like she wanted to stay in forever! (large and in charge @ my baby shower below)

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I tried everything to convince my doctor to let me go into labor on my own.  I mean I was dilated 3 cm and effaced 90% how much longer could it take for my water to break or contractions to officially start? Every week I would go in to see my doctor and he would again urge me to induce.  I kept gaining weight and was retaining more water than a whale. In three weeks I gained 15 lbs. The doctor grew worried that the baby would grow so large that I would be forced to have a C-section. Which was 100% completely against my plan in every shape and form.

2 weeks.

Three weeks of off and on labor and I folded. Tired and exhausted, bed ridden except when I had enough and tried a few more times just to get her out. Walking around, jumping or dancing around. I sat on my yoga ball for hours counting the contractions just for them to get 30 minutes apart and stop for another couple hours. It was frustrating and utterly exhausting.

“Fine, we can induce but Im still going all natural. Please don’t change my birth plan.”  My doctor sighed at my persistence and called the hospital to set my induction day for May 6th, 2015.

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(next to where Freyah was born on Induction day)

First come baby then comes Marriage

With everything that was going on in our lives, together we decided that it was time to get married.  We had been together for almost 6 years and put off the wedding for numerous reasons. Cold feet, family deaths, even just arguing and thinking that we weren’t ready.  However, with a baby on the way in my heart I felt that it was important that we be married when she arrived.

In the state of Texas if the parents are not married when a child is born proof of paternity is required to put the father down on the birth certificate.  I felt like it was a bunch of hassle just to claim paternity when we both knew the baby was his.  Any who so we talked to our families and decided it was time then set a date.

Around this time we found out the sex of the baby and took engagement photos/ maternity photos. (Best two in one photo session ever)

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January 17, 2015 would be the day that I married my best friend; the father of my child.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  Normally my little jelly bean would have been stretching and kicking away.  Never resting a moment or giving me a breath.  However, for the first time in weeks I woke to no pain in my joints. Freyah moved enough for my heart and mind to know she was there, but did not pain me in any way.  It was as if she knew this was the day that I had be waiting for since the day her father asked me to marry him some years before.  So at six months pregnant I put on my wedding dress and married the best man I could have ever hoped to fall in love with.  As I walked down that isle with parents on either arms I saw him standing there with a look on his face that I’d only seen once before. The same smile was placed upon his face as when I told him we were pregnant.

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There was of course some family drama, but realistically what wedding doesn’t have that?

Fast forward a couple months.

Looking back I felt silly for even worrying about my pregnancy considering that I only had mild complications.  When I looked down I no longer could see my shoes, instead I saw a big round belly. With only a few weeks left I find myself complacent.  The last days of pregnancy, sometimes considered agonizing, are a distinct place in time.  An in between stage of being neither here nor there.  One foot on the edge of pregnancy another teetering into the ocean of motherhood.  Some people refer to this as the, “Time of Zwischen,” or the time of in between.  Although I had not gotten my footing yet I knew that within those next few weeks I would eventually emerge on the side of motherhood.  With no real knowledge of how to be a mother besides the love that I had already been containing.

This whole experience had been a revelation of all sorts that left me with more questions than answers.

 

The scare…

 

As I looked at my reflection I felt broken and disembodied.  Like there was a force trying relentlessly to drag me from within myself.  Disoriented I turned on the water and started rubbing the blood from my hands. It was only until I gained full consciousness did I realize that I had tears streaming down my face and repeatedly said, “no.. No… NO!”  The other women in the restroom looked at the scene mortified but stood back and waited in line patiently for the sink or toilets trying to keep themselves otherwise occupied in reply to my unhinged appearance.  I thought back to the moment that I realized that I was holding a child within me, excited and inexplicably startled by the unplanned event in my life.

Returning to reality I was now standing in front of my drawing professor trying to spit out that I had to leave while being discreet, but every girl in the class had already seen my outburst in the restroom.  He told me to leave, of course, and to not worry about anything until I was better which was more than I thought I would ever get from a professor.  However, I was losing it.. her.. him.. the baby.  I rushed to put my stuff together and to call my mother to pick me up from campus. Then I called the doctor. Everything seemed to blur together. Almost like I was living someone else’s life.

Instead of receiving the comforting words of a doctor, the nurse answered. She told me to go home, put my feet up and drink some water. That there was nothing I could do to stop the inevitable if it were to happen.  At 10 weeks I was losing the most precious gift that I had ever been bestowed in my life, at least thats how it felt.  That night my mother and my boyfriend didn’t leave my side.  I cried out to God, pleading him to give me a chance to prove that we were worthy of being parents. My mother held me and brushed the hair off of my face and wiped the sticky tears from my eyes.  She was at a loss as to what to say or do.  We waited for what seemed a lifetime for the sun to rise.  As the day became new the bleeding subsided and we had made it through the worst night of my life still whole and intact was our little miracle child.

This scare was  only two weeks after our first sonogram and I wasn’t due to go back to the doctor until week 17.  It scared the hell out of my husband and I, but we are all the more thankful for our beautiful daughter.  After receiving a full work up the doctor gave us the chance to see our beautiful baby one more time to check the growth and heart beat. Thats when we decided that the worst part was over and to announce our pregnancy publicly.

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The Beginning

I guess to start off I would have to say something about myself.

My name is Deborah.  I am a first time mom, 25 years young and married to the love of my life.  My little ones name is Freyah and she is about to turn 8 months in a few days.  Im just a woman taking each day one diaper at a time.

This is our story.

After finally come to terms with the fact that we might never have a real family the way we always planned fate reared its head and changed our lives for ever.

Goodbye Cancer. Hello Baby.

 

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I jumped from the toilet and ran bare-assed into the restroom across from mine where my boyfriend of six years sat reading on his “throne.”  With fear in my voice I stated, “umm.. Honey, were pregnant.”  He looked back at me with a look in his eyes that I shall never forget.  Vigorously astonished to the fact that we never once thought we could conceive after the last crazy six months and yet here we were parents in the making.  Tears welled in my eyes, for I thought forever to be a well sucked dry from upon the moment I were born. Never to bare the true identity of being a woman.  That was the moment I truly fell in love with him and realized that a tenderness, that had yet to be born, reached around the edges of my heart and permanently glued old broken pieces together again.

This was the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Waiting the long 8 weeks until we could go to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy was the most anticipation I’d ever endured. Our little bean was growing fast and strong, but fear plagued my mind. I worried that my previous illness with cervical cancer would endanger the baby. That I wasn’t strong enough to carry such a burden.

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But I was strong enough and my due date was tentatively set for April 26, 2015.