Pregnancy and Covid-19

Howdy Ya’ll,

Long time no write, I supposed I tend to do that every now and then ha ha. For those who don’t have me on social media… SURPRISE! I’m pregnant, AGAIN, with a girl. AGAIN. LOL We decided to try for a boy, but its just pretty obvious that we are meant to be raising little princesses! I am currently 28 weeks with baby Astrid!

I had been meaning to write and catch everyone up on how things are going, but life just seems to constantly carry me away from the keyboard. At last here I am. Whats the one thing on my mind, you ask?

COVID-19

As I am sure that is whats on most of your minds as well. I’ve tried everything I can to stay away from being anxious about it. Cleaning, baking, craft projects with my little’s. NOTHING WORKS. My husband, bless his heart, bought me the new Animal Crossing: New Horizons for my switch and while it has helped occupy my mind for about a week, the  game has slowed to almost a grinding halt story line mode, so I’ve been left to let my mind wander again.

[For those of you who are new here, welcome! Please feel free to check out my other posts which chronicle my journey into motherhood with crippling anxiety, it might explain a few things.]

While there are many articles about what you should and shouldn’t do to avoid Covid-19 it just seems like no one really knows what works except isolation. Isolation which is basically impossible when you’re husband is an essential employee in the oil industry (if he goes out he potentially brings it home to me). Not to mention my monthly and about to be bi-weekly appointments with my midwife. I try to limit contact with people and only order grocery pick-up which has been hard on our wallet, but its a necessary move to keep me and my children more protected.

I know some people may not understand why I am so worried about contracting the virus, so let me explain.  I have Hashimoto’s an auto-immune disease that attacks my body and organs. For about 10 years how my Hashimoto’s has been pre-occupied with only destroying my thyroid, however a serious virus like this or even just getting bronchitis or pneumonia can cripple my immune system and I have to be put on some pretty strong med’s to try and fix it. On top of that I am pregnant, and no one wants to be positive when they give birth, I’ve heard horror stories about women not being able to even hold their babies for 2 weeks. Its insane to me that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed my child or even hold her in the first few moments after she leaves my body. Put aside my own problems and enter the biggest one, my husband has asthma. Not just run of the mill asthma, but extreme asthma and chronic bronchitis. We’re lucky he hasn’t lost his job, yet. However, the chance and reality is that we will join the 6.6 million people who have already applied for unemployment and be on a wait list of 3 weeks or more just to be able to feed our family let alone pay the bills.

I know everyone has these fears, this is a pandemic for Pete’s sake! It just really helps for me to write it down and talk about it. Who knows, maybe someone else might be having the same fears or going through the same thing as I am and it helps them.  I know just reading about someone else struggling to be a good mother right now or needing to have just a moment without your child makes me feel better. In the three weeks we’ve had no school I haven’t really had any alone time (except for late at night) and unfortunately that doesn’t make me the best mom ever. No alone time makes it really hard to breathe and meditate my way through my anxieties, therefore, it makes me snappy towards my girls. Which isn’t fair to them, because they just want love and affection.

SO!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I am struggling, but that its OKAY that I’m struggling.  Just like its okay if you’re struggling too during all this craziness that surrounds the world. Remember to try and find some time for yourself at night before bed, in the shower, or even just do your hair and make-up (Even if you have no where to go) because taking a little time out for yourself is what is going to get you through this forced social distancing and isolation.

Remember if you CAN stay at home, do so. If you CAN’T, please take precautions to protect your family like wearing a mask and stripping your clothes off once you get home to put them in the wash, then shower. Wash your hands as often as possible and sanitize when you cant! Its the little things that will help flatten this curve, because everyone doing their part is whats going to get us through this pandemic.

#staysafeyall

p.s. here are some photos of an impromptu bluebonnet session we did down the road from our house lol

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

My Anxiety Tells Me So

So, there I was in the middle of Target dragging my 2 year old to the register screaming while my 4 year old sang beep bop boo at the top of her lungs and I realized, i just don’t give a flying monkey anymore. No really. Judge away.

Ok, let me start at the beginning. . .

I walked into Target with a simple mission. Exchange toddler viking’s shoes and try to find manilla paper. [In case you live under a rock or haven’t brought a tiny crotch troll into the world yet its almost school season. ]

Seems simple right?

About three seconds into this nightmare my youngest, baby jack jack, starts trying to push all the buttons on the ATM while I’m talking to the nice customer service man. He looks at us with those judgy eyes thinking, “oh great not another mother who can’t control her kids.” At least that’s what my anxiety tells me. So I finally catch the little gremlin and attempt to walk towards the shoe section while my 2 year screams that she doesn’t want to hold my hand, “I’m a big girl!”

Mentally roll my eyes and sigh.

I grab her hand anyways, cause you know baby snatchers lurk on every shoe aisle corner, and proceed to find the correct shoe size for toddler viking(my 4 year old, duh keep up.) Decide to walk through the baby section to the school supplies. Now this is where things get tricky and melt down 2 begins. Baby Jack jack now wants to play with toys instead of going to the farthest corner of the store where they keep anything of actual importance during holidays or school season so you have to walk past a bunch of crap you don’t need, but feel compelled to buy. Like that pineapple Jojo Siwa bow that was on sale for 3.98. I mean come on, what a steal!

She flails a few times goes limp on the way pretends she’s spaghetti and can’t walk. You know the usual. I try to shake off all of the building tension and repeat myself as calmly as possible. “Please stop, if you want to continue walking you will hold my hand or I will find a buggy to put you in.” Resist the urge to spank my tiny tyrant for fear of becoming the abusive crazy mother who can’t control my kids. All the while my anxiety takes over and makes me boil.

Literally boil from the inside out. It starts to feel hot and humid. That’s when I realize I’m sweating and finding it hard to see straight. I find myself mentally pep talking myself and telling my inner whining to bitch up and finish what you need to do and get out.

Fight of flight kicks in and I give up finding manilla paper after searching every aisle in that deep dark money pit corner. I begin making my way to the checkout lanes and settle on the self checkout because less staring and people to talk to. Baby Jack Jack decides walking is for normies and plummets her 32lb body to the shiny fluorescent lit linoleum floor. Instead of thinking clearly I just drag her the last few feet. Probably not what most people do, however I say fuck it and then plop her in front of my next endeavor. All the while toddler Viking is still in her happy annoying place of song and dance.

I fight the urge to beg and plead with my children to be good, consider bribing them with snacks, then decide not to reward bad behavior. When someone dressed in red approaches from beside me.

“Did you find everything you needed today ma’am?”

I resist the urge to respond and smile with a nod. Breathe Deborah Breathe! My vision starts to clear a bit as I swipe my card. Seeing the “Card Approved Remove Card” sign releases small endorphins from retail therapy and I begin to feel slightly better.

I turn to see my children playing with magazines trying to enjoy the sight of them laughing together and playing. Because they won’t always be so happy and care free. Anxiety sinks in to alert me that I’m taking up too much space someone obviously needs this self check spot.

And we leave.

Sometimes I let my anxiety rule my day, maybe even my week. However I am always trying to remember to breathe and let my children be children. They will never be this small again. Its hard when you think everyone is judging you. When your brain lies to you and makes you think or assume everyone is starring. I may be one of few women who deal with this, but some how I know its okay. Always find someone you can talk to when you have moments like this. Pretending like nothing happened is never the way to deal with an episode. Remember you’re not alone in this and keep on trucking along. Your little one(s) will thank you.

The most important thing to me is to make sure I don’t lose it again around them. Its been a very long time since I had one of these experiences. What with my first child starting pre-k the stress is high! Just remember to breathe.

A Letter to my Mom.

I remember the sound of splashing water and laughter echoing across the public pool.  The sound of mothers calling after their children not to run and the exclamations from children, “Mom, look at me! Look at me! Count how long I can hold my breath!”  I remember you would watch the whole time, I never had to doubt if you were actually counting my seconds under water.  You would even take the shirt off your own back if it meant I wouldn’t get sunburnt.

I remember driving with the windows down in your Ford Taurus on our way to our favorite after pool snack. Begging for chili cheese fries and ice cream. You’d get us both (usually) just because it made us smile. Summer was my favorite time of the year because just us three would do whatever we wanted. No school no work just the Three Musketeers.

I remember the smell of chlorine and eating chili cheese fries sitting on towels in front of the T.V. waiting on you to get out of the shower.  My brother and I eating slowly and in a trance with whatever was on the television at the time.  Trying to not be the first person done eating because whoever was had to take a shower first.  (For some reason it was a competition between the two of us to see who could win the last shower. Although at some point he became smart and would shower first so that I would be left with cold water.)

I remember cuddling up watching T.V. on your bed, back when we all lived in that one room. All three of us would sit there and basically pass out from exhaustion and wait until Dad came home.

You called us the “Three Musketeers.”

You still do.

Nostalgia beckons me to make the same memories with my daughters as you did with my brother and I.  I could only hope to be half the mother you were and still are.  Not only do you constantly give support to me you’re always there for my children and my husband.  You’ve been the mom even my friends can call their own, because you love with no end.

On this mothers day I celebrate because I remember how amazing of a mom you were and still are to us.  I remember crying into your arms over breakups and laughing with you over how stupid something was. I remember you scraping every last penny you had together for christmas or so that my brother and I would never go without.  I remember after school nachos from the gas station when we were in Jr. High. I remember you giving us your last dollars to play games at the arcade.

I remember.

And now, with all that I remember, I wish that my girls will remember how hard I worked to make them happy the way you did for us.  To make sure they are fulfilled in life even at a young age like you always did and still do.  I want to support their every endeavor & teach them to be good people.

But most of all for this Mothers Day what I want to be more like YOU.

Happy Mothers Day Momma.

Fire Displaces Family

As I peer down the road at midnight my vision captures an organized chaos.  Firetrucks line the road, neighbors throwing valuables in their cars and their families to evacuate the fiery scene that laid before our eyes.

A house approximately half a block away (across the street) had caught fire.   I ran inside to wake my husband and start to gather important things for our daughter in case we were asked to leave. Then change out of my night clothes into something descent and grab the baby monitor to go outside and see if there was anything I could do. Of course being a regular civilian theres not much I can do but be there and watch the whole thing happen.

The fire was rapidly spreading through the house and embers were flying in the sky where the wind was shifting them across the street.  Dangerously landing on the roofs and tree tops two houses down from my own.  Suddenly the roof collapsed and a burst of fire rang up into the sky, catching the trees that hung so closely to the home.  Heat reared towards my body as I started to fear that there were children who could be hurt.  Many families lived near by in an apartment complex and I hoped that everyone exited safely.  Soon after that people from the street over came rushing up to us asking if anyone was still in there.  We replied with “I don’t know’s and I hope not’s.”  They ran off down the road panicking for  their loved ones.  One man came around the corner of the road and ran towards the line of fire trucks hands on his head crying, “Thats my house! Thats my house!”

While the fire fighters fought what seemed like forever to get the flames down there was left a smoldering ember of what used to be a home to a long time Huntsville family who have now lost everything.  My thoughts and prayers are with those who were involved and I pray with all of my might that no one was hurt.  At this time it is unconfirmed that there were any casualties.

Its strange how you can be lying in bed ready to end your night all to hear popping and see flashing lights in the windows.  When you go to check whats going on, theres peoples lives changing right before your eyes.  Makes you realize that your whole life can change in an instant. Count your blessings tonight. I know I will.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

*edit* For those wondering the fire was located off Avenue J behind the middle school. I had originally thought the fire was at the apartment complex that was right next to the house that actually was on fire. Sorry for the wrong information. Still no news has covered this story and I find it quite odd that a fire that which forced an entire block out of their homes has no cover worthy points with even the local news paper.  If this had happened in a wealthy neighborhood it would have been on KHOU. Im really irritated about this. If I see anything news wise I will update the story and give more facts based upon what has happened. Otherwise I’m just a concerned neighbor looking for answers.

Teething and Diapers

I write this while sitting on the toilet. Well, let me rephrase that, sitting on the toilet watching my daughter take the thirteenth bath this weekend due to the explosive diarrhea epidemic of the summer in 2016, other wise known as teething.

This weekend has particularly been challenging for me, and maybe I’m just being a big ol’ baby, but DEAR LORD! This child. She has been in the best of moods, the worst of moods and gone through so many pieces of clothing in only 4 days that I feel like I’m losing my shit. It makes me want to pull my hair out that theres nothing that I can do to make the upset stomach problems go away.  She’s very temperamental and I mean who wouldn’t be if your bottom was 7 shades of spotted red? Even if i change her the second it happens its still a mess and she’s constantly in pain! Whats a budget mom to do? Well I’ll tell you.

I dig through my drawers find my lavender essential oils and put it in every bath she takes!   Not to mention that I add a cup of powdered oatmeal to the bath to help soothe the tushy.

Although this weekend has been rough, and I’m sure the rest of this week will be as well, I look down at this little kid learning words at the speed of light, screaming like a pterodactyl because she loves to hear how high she can go, walking around and running into things or stomping her feet to hear the sound, I realize that I have no idea how my life would be right now if she were not in it.  I don’t even understand how I survived this world without her.  She lights up the room even if she’s throwing a tantrum.  She gives me the best damn hugs in the galaxy, no seriously ask her NawNaw she’ll agree.  Even when I’m having a melt down because she’s gone through all of her extra clothes and theres poopy diapers in the bed of the truck and some how it got on her face and arm.  She finds a way to make me calm down.  I really don’t know how I got to be so lucky in life, my husband and I are truly blessed.

I feel like lately I’ve been slacking as a mom, with being frustrated and stressed, school is now 4 days a week all day and then fitting doctors appointments (not just mine but Freyahs) in on Fridays I barely have time for cleaning or doing laundry.  For those with multiples I have no idea how you do it! I keep trying my best and I know in the long run its worth it for my family to be able to help provide.

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last month.  No matter how little time I get with my child as long as I make the time we have together count and lots of fun my daughters love is unwavering.  I have come to accept the fact that my clothes are clean, but they will not always be put away in their places or hung up on a hanger in the proper place and thats okay! Being the perfect mom means getting things done as well as possible and not sweating the small stuff. The last thing I’ve learned is how to use my planning/ OCD skills to my best ability in planning out or sorting through all of our many appointments whether its doctors, dentists, WIC (yeah were on it don’t judge), grocery shopping,  or paying bills. It really has come in handy.

Just take it one diaper at a time, that’s all you can ever do.

P.S. that little chart that tells you when your kids teeth are supposed to come in is a liar. LOL

Easter is Upon Us

Since Easter is quickly approaching I decided to do something cute for Freyah’s daycare class and give each child in her class an easter gift “from Freyah.”  I did quite a lot of research trying to find something suitable for an infant room that would be interesting for each child no matter the age and this is what I came up with.

I searched all over Target for the best thing and decided upon these little sensory balls that light up.  I figured that each child would enjoy them.

Then I went to the Easter Aisle and found some “Easter Grass” but decided upon the paper kind incase the kids get into the actual bag.  Reason being that although i’d never give my child paper to eat, paper will digest and turn to mush so its easily swallowed, plastic does not and could choke a child/ lead to worse health problems if ingested. Any who heres the Deborah was to make Easter Gifts for and Infant Class.

List

•  Scissors
• Hole Punch
• Cello Bags
• Balls
• Printed off Easter Tags
• Sharpie
• Paper Easter Grass

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Before we get started in the DIY Instructions let me just tell you that I did not make these adorable Easter Tags I searched online and found a printable from another blog. I mean lets face it.. I’m not nearly smart enough to make my own nor do I have a subscription to my photoshop account anymore. You can find the blog here, printable1 here, and printable2 here. Now on to how I made these gifts!

Step One: I signed Freyahs name to the tags and then cut them out, then I hole punched them.

Step Two:Filled all the Cello Bags with Easter Grass

Step Three: Put a ball in each bag

Step Four: Tied each bag and added the tag then Voila!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

There you have it cute simple Easter gifts for your little ones friends at school! Hope you found this tutorial easy and fun!

Side Note: Freyah and I went out with a friend the other day and took Easter Photos in the Texas Bluebonnets, which is a tradition here. So heres the photos from the shoot!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

We’re All Grown Up

 

As I drive to meet with my cousin approximately three hours from where I live; I slowly realize that we are not children anymore. I will be watching her embark upon a great coming of age moment where she will try on wedding dresses for the first time.

It was only a little over a year ago that I married my best friend and in 9 months she will be married to hers. I find it hard to believe that this woman, who used to walk around in her daddy’s boots and a diaper, is going to be walking down the aisle in some short months from now.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I glanced over at my daughter sleeping peacefully and I thanked God that I have a good traveling child. Then I wondered if when the time came how I would feel if it were my daughters wedding we were preparing for.. quickly shaking that thought from my mind (because i have at least 18 years before I have to worry about that!) Pondering farther I tried to figure out how we got here, to this place in time where my brother and I are parents and married. How did my cousins grow up so fast? Ones about to be a father and the other is getting married.  It astounds me that time has flown by in the blink of an eye.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

A single shutter click and bam with the blinding light in your eye you’re not a little child anymore.  You’re stumbling around in this crazy, sometimes fucked up, world trying to figure out what the hell is the right thing to do. I look back to freshman year of high school and see this puffy haired goofy grinned little kid who thought she knew everything. Some how along the way I graduated high school, started college, fell in love, got lost a little bit with who I wanted to be, and now I’m here. A mother whose married and sometimes a little bit confused on whether or not she’s doing the right things or headed in the right direction.  I wondered if my mother ever tried to figure out when she became an adult or how she ended up with two full grown children of her own.

Here’s some things that I do know.  I have an amazing husband that I met through a really close friend.  I have a beautiful 9 month old daughter who drives me insane with love every second of every day.  I have two nephews and one niece whom I’ve watched grow in to little people it seems almost over night.  My mother is still one of my best friends and I thank God every day for her.  I have a best friend that Ive known since freshman year she has beautiful twin girls.  She is my wifey, fo lifey (lol).  I also have another really close friend who introduced me to my husband who has been like the bigger sister I never had.  These people are my family, the people I mentioned before are also my family and together we can achieve anything.  Because some how I turned around and my life that I had been waiting to start had already started when I wasn’t paying attention.

Now we’re all grown up.

Sick Day (weekend) / 1 year anniversary

I started my day off like any other day, caring for lovely Bebe.  Things were going well (or so I thought) and I was off running errands with my mother when out of no where I felt incredibly sick to my stomach.

“Oh, Man I don’t think I could be pregnant..” were  the exact words that crossed my mind.

It also happened to be the first question my mother asked me.

I happen to be incredibly grateful for my mother seeing as every time I tried to stand, walk, or pick up the baby nausea struck my entire body like a bat was trying to force what little food I had been able to consume out of my being.  She was every so graciously taking care of not only myself but my 8 month old child.  When we finally got back home I crawled my way into bed and pulled the covers over my head.

Then the feeling of abandoning my child hit me like a tidal wave.  My husband was at home and doing his best to keep our daughter contained.  Apparently when Mommy is sick the only person in the world who can calm her is, well Mommy.  So we did the one thing they tell you not to do. We brought her and my husband into my room and she stayed calm (for the most part).

After hours of dry heaving and fever I then passed out after finally being able to keep ice chips down.  I woke to my daughter crying at 2 am.

My husband quickly got up to tend her and got her to go back down. I remember thinking to myself that it was strange that she wake in the middle of the night.  She usually sleeps through most of the time and has since she was 6 months or so.. I gave my passing thought little importance and passed out for a while more.

6:00 AM

Screaming erupted from my daughters monitor on my bedside table.  I rolled over and glanced at the clock, then rolled back over to look at my “snorlax” of a husband. I sat up and every muscle in my body begged for me to lay back down, but my daughters cries found a will much stronger inside that pushed me forward.

As I slowly staggered into her room a fowl odor reached my nose.  I reached for her bedroom lamp and then picked her up to hush her screams.  First thing i felt for was a temperature then a dampness soaked through my night clothes.

Poor thing had soaked through her diaper and her pajamas.  Catastrophe has struck her crib through her sheets to her mattress pad.  Well it had happened I made my daughter sick. She had caught whatever virus that I had but lackluster.  After trying my darnedest to get her out of her clothes without smearing poo all throughout her hair I cleaned her up and found a clean pacifier. We cuddled in my bed until 7 where she decided it was bright enough to be awake no matter how she felt.

My little girl seems to be a glass half-full kinda gal.  Fever? Diarrhea? Who cares! Must touch and play with EVERYTHING!!!!!

Dad continued to sleep until 6PM. (O.O)

Thats when I realized he had caught the same bug.  I had infected the ENTIRE FAMILY (well .. our side of the house my mom and dad remain untouched like the great white buffalo).

24 hours later we remain in our cave. Alive. On our 1 year anniversary both recovering. Our daughter still running fever off and on, but we have survived.  We worked as a team and I learned a very important lesson.  Its okay to let someone help you when you’re sick/dying of stomach virus.  You don’t have to be a supermom all the time and sometimes its okay to let dad be a superdad if it means getting the job done (he’s really quite good at it).

So heres to a year of marriage and 8 months of parenthood! Without my hubby I don’t know what I would do.